BY JEN CORDERY
Hi guys -
I’m finally out of the hospital after spending the last three weeks in Intensive Care and, frankly, I’m contemplating de-friending all of you. I called out to you for help and not a single one of you did anything.
I was home alone that night, just browsing Facebook when, out of nowhere, it felt like someone clubbed me over the head. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground, having a seizure. My bladder evacuated spontaneously, drenching my lower half in urine. I managed to pull my laptop down from the desk and started typing in the last place I had clicked, which just happened to be below Eric’s video compilation of puppies terrified by their own farts. I typed, “Guys, I am literally peeing my pants and dying right now.” Then I had another seizure.
When I came to, I realized 20 minutes had passed and still no one had come to help me. I looked at the computer and saw that my comment had gotten eight “likes” and only one response, from Karen: “LOL, me too!!!”
I get that Karen maybe thought I said I was dying as a result of the alleged humor of Eric’s video, though I hadn’t even watched it, but Jesus Christ, guys, you should know me better than that. Have I ever used the word “literally” incorrectly before? No! Remember when I lectured Brian at dinner after he said, “That tilapia literally just blew my face off,” and you guys wrongly jumped to his defense and someone even called me a Debbie Downer and I threw a twenty on the table and said, “You can all literally fuck off ” and stormed out? Do you think I would misuse the word after that? I have principles!
After a half hour and no response, though barely conscious and mostly blind, I managed to post my second comment: “No. Seriously. Help me. Dying.” Within two minutes, it had three “likes” and a response from Eric: “Ha! Your welcome.” I can’t even begin to express my many grievances with that response. It’s like you not only didn’t care that I was dying, you were going to spit in my face as I perished, with your awful grammar. (Note I didn’t write “literally” in front of that figurative statement.)
When it was clear I was on my own, I resolved to drag my soiled body into the other room to call 911. Upon reaching my phone, I saw that Mitchell had sent a group text, saying, “If you thought Eric’s video was funny, this one will literally slay you.” And you know what, Mitchell? That video truly nearly did slay me, in the sense that every time I tried to dial 911, I was interrupted by the group’s responses to your message. The most egregious was from Megan, who simply wrote, “ZOMG,” followed by at least 30 emojis, half of which appeared to be shrimp tempura. I still don’t understand how that is a valid response to a video of an Orangutan on a ceiling fan.
Once I finally managed to dial, the ambulance arrived within five minutes, just as I slipped into a coma. The EMT said any longer and I would’ve been dead.
So thanks, guys. I almost died because of your piss-poor grasp of the English language.
P.S. I just watched the farting puppy video again. To your credit, that might literally be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.